Thank you for your interest in stalking Jeremy Crow at this time. We would like to take this opportunity to assess your stalking abilities so that we may determine if you are a viable threat or a minor nuisance*. We here at Crow Pharmaceuticals Inc. take great pride in our equal opportunity stalking, and wish only to make it a more pleasant experience for you, and a far more agonizing aggravation for Jeremy Crow in return**. Please fill out the following information, and accompanying questionnaire as truthfully as your doctor feels you are capable of at this time.
Your Information
Your Full Name ________________________________________________________
Name You Were Yesterday _____________________________________________
Name You Plan to be Tomorrow _________________________________________
Your General Location __________________________________________________
Your Other Locations ___________________________________________________
Person to whom you are stalking because of _____________________________
Name they use now that they are on to your other profiles ________________
Please Circle All That Apply
I am a .. [Woman who can fix you] [Man who can fix you] [The only woman who ever understood you] [The man who understands you better than HER] [A man upset that the woman I stalk talked to you] [A woman upset that the woman I stalk talked to you] [All of the above] [God said I don’t have to answer this one]
How many fake profiles do you plan to create and dedicate to the cause .. [1 to 2] [3 to 6] [7 to 20] [As many as it takes to completely alienate you from everyone who doesn’t understand you the way I do] [As many as it takes to get that bitch to understand that I am right for her and not you] [God said I don’t have to answer this one]
Do you plan to cross genders with your fake profiles? .. [Yes] [No] [What is a gender?] [God said I don’t have to answer this one]
Have you actually had sex with Jeremy Crow? .. [Yes] [No] [Not yet] [It’s what I tell everyone anyway] [No but I bet that bitch who really loves me did] [God said I don’t have to answer this one]
Have you actually had sex? .. [Yes] [No] [It’s none of your damn business] [Did someone else have to actually be there with me?] [What’s sex?] [God said I don’t have to answer this one]
If you were to actually run into Jeremy Crow in real life you would .. [Kidnap him and chain him up in my closet until he finally understands love] [Kill his sorry ass so that he stops interfering with me and my true love] [Pee myself and find some place to get in the fetal position alone] [God told me I don’t have to answer this one]
Can you actually get to Jeremy Crow in a reasonable amount of time? .. [Yes] [No] [If I’m horny] [If he doesn’t stop talking to that bitch I want] [You’ll never know will you?] [God told me not to answer this one]
Now that you have completed the initial questionnaire, please send it in with a picture of your legs and/or the legs of the woman you pretend to be***. All qualified applicants will probably never be contacted so just start stalking at your own leisure, and the proper responses should be applied as time permits. Thank you for taking the time to stalk Jeremy Crow and have a nice day.
* Stalking abilities are assessed on a per stalker basis. Ability to spin a good story is preferable, but not completely necessary to apply.
** Actual hotness, will vary the amount of true agony imposed, and could lead to the stalking being in some circumstances pleasurable. We make no guarantees that Jeremy Crow will actually agonize over your stalking, or take you seriously in the least. We do not guarantee your pleasure in the event that you are not taken seriously.
*** Pictures of breasts may not be substituted for pictures of legs. They don’t fascinate Jeremy Crow in the least. Additional photos of your cleavage may be added for consideration if it follows the following criterion a) Your eyes are geared skyward in the “what every man truly wants” position b) all or part of your legs are showing, preferably in thigh highs.
